Behind the Curtain

I tried blogging a few years ago and never went far with it. I'm going to give it a try again, well, because I need an outlet. I'm 10 years into working with shelters and rescues and of course that comes with ups and downs. But lately I've taken a new role in this world, and it comes with a lot more pressure, or at least more pressure for me. Now I'm the Director of a local rural shelter. The pressure and heartache is even bigger. 

It's funny because when people hear what I do, they are either on one side or the other. Some people think it's so amazing and think it would be such fun to work with the animals, to help them find new homes and such. These people are oblivious to the sad things we see and usually don't want to hear that part of things. Or there's the opposite side, where the people think it would just be too sad to do what I do. These people mean well when they say things like, "oh I just couldn't do it. It would be too sad for me." But sometimes what I hear is "I must not have as much of a heart as they do" or "that somehow the things I see don't bother me as much". Again, I'm sure they mean well and feel they are giving me a compliment or something nice, but when things have been rough. When I'm feeling I'm not doing enough, or I'm failing in some way, all I hear is a backhanded compliment. 

I started to say it's funny that no matter how many good things happen, they never stick with you as much as the bad things. But its not funny. The truth is just that. I can help to save 100's of puppies but the ones that die from one thing or another are the ones that build up. Truly my saves outweigh my losses but the losses are the ones that drain me. Drain us- people in the same line of work. 

Some days I can keep pushing through, but others, those days are hard. I feel heavy, sluggish, can't concentrate, and I just want to throw up my hands and walk away. Sometimes I even convince myself that I will, but I don't. I say I'm not addicted to anything, but I'm wrong. I'm addicted to helping animals even though it bring me sorrow, hurts my heart, and changes me everyday.